They're all the same.

So in reading comments and questions from other women on HeyTom.net, I've discovered that there is nothing unique about my situation. There are other women who work as many hours outside the house as their husbands. There are other women who pack their husband's lunch in the morning. There are other women who have to wake their grumpy-in-the-morning husbands up every day. But it sounds like they whine about it a little more than me. I know I've felt the same way at some point (or still do on some days) but when I hear it coming from someone else it sounds so ridiculous. That makes me step back and look at myself. If I can come up with the obvious answer for them, why can't I see it for myself?

From September 2: "My Dh and I both work full time. ... I take to heart the condition of our home, and work quite hard at keeping it clean, cooking home meals, getting the schedules made each week to accomade every one. In essence, another full time job. Why is it so hard for men to be appreciative? There are days when I feel I should walk him to everything I have done and say "TA DAH!" Do you think that would help?" I do believe that both of us working full time jobs outside the house means that neither one of us should have to carry the full responsiblity of the housework. At various times over the years I've tried to come up with the equation that would specify how much each person should do. Sometimes I've factored in his earning more money than me, having a long commute, keeping up the cars, etc. and sometimes not. It's always been trying to justify my doing less housework or his doing more housework, but they'd end up proving that I needed to do more work. *See bottom of this post for the mathematics. But apparently, I am perfectly capable of handling it all by myself. And (thanks to FlyLady) rather than not doing anything because "he's not doing anything," letting the house go to heck and feeling bad about it, I'm just doing it all, feeling good about the house, feeling good about myself, and leaving the martyr attitude behind. I would like to get him to do something (anything) in the way of housework, but if he can't be talked into it nicely, and nagging, guilting, or bribing him into it is going to cause marital strife, I'd rather do it all myself, let him sit around and relax, and have a peaceful house for both of us. If he doesn't always say that he appreciates what I do (although he is saying it now), then I'll take his improved attitude as a direct compliment. Tom and company may call him a clod for not helping, but some battles are just not worth fighting.

From August 29: "I do not understand Why he doesn't seem capable of making his own lunch. ... having to take time out to make him sandwhiches throws me off my own schedual ... We don't have any children living here but even a 10 year old can make a sandwhich." I had this attitude at first, but I've been packing my husband's lunch for years now without it. Yes, making a sandwich is easy. He could do it very easily. Therefore, you can do it very easily. And you can put it into your schedule. Then it wouldn't throw you off. Or you could find a time earlier in your day when it fits into your routine better, make the sandwiches, and put them in the fridge until he's ready to go. And like Tom said, "They just don't taste as good as one lovingly made by his wife." When I make my husband's lunch, I add the secret ingredient... love. When you drop the martyr attitude, you realize that it's a small favor that you can do for the man you love, instead of a burden.

From August 31: "I wake my DH every morning, sometimes having to go in 2-3 times. ... It seems that when he comes into the kitchen to get his lunch and coffee (which I make each day) he seems in a hurry (I do understand that) and he seems like he's mad at me. ... I'm one who cries at the drop of a dime. This starts my day off poorly." Yup. I know that one. Boy, do I know that one. I've learned that my husband is a different person when he first wakes up than he is the rest of the day. Actually, he's a person I don't particularly care for, and one who usually isn't too keen on me. We're neither one of us morning people nor early risers other than by necessity. So I try my best not to take anything he says or does personally, do whatever is in my power to make his morning run as smoothly as possible, and get him out the door and on his way to work as fast as I can. Sometimes it goes ok and sometimes it doesn't. On real bad days we both end up yelling, calling each other names, and saying things we don't mean. On good days, we may say almost nothing to each other. But either way, I try to make sure I give him a kiss and tell him I love him as he leaves. I know that my real husband will come home at the end of the day, if he doesn't call me first, and that if my real husband even remembers what that other guy did or said that morning, he will feel bad and apologize. And when I've been just as awful right back to him, I'll apologize, too. It still isn't fun, but as I can't change him, I've learned to live with it. (Unless someone else has suggestions!)

So yeah, maybe nobody else has my exact situation, but other people have each of the factors that make it up.

*Housework equations I've tried:
Jh = Hours on the job for husband
Jw = Hours on the job for wife
Hh = Hours of housework for husband
Hw = Hours of housework for wife
$h = Husband's hourly wage
$w = Wife's hourly wage
$m = Hired maid's hourly wage (hypothetically)
Ch = Hours of husband's commute
Cw = Hours of wife's commute

Jh + Hh = Jw + Hw -- (This one balances out, until I add in car and lawn maintenance. Then I'd need to do 1 hour of housework/day to balance this.)
Jh * $h = (Jw * $w) + (Hw * $m) -- (I'd need to do 6 hours of housework/day to balance this)
Jh + Ch = Jw + Cw + Hw -- (I'd need to do 3 hours of housework/day to balance this)