Draft for a HeyTom.net comment

I'm putting this here for now, but I'd eventually like to clean it up and send it to HeyTom.net.

Two weeks ago, this would have been a whining, complaining question. Today, after just two weeks of fluttering baby-steps, it's merely a comment.

My husband and I both get up at the same time in the morning. We both work 8-hour days outside the home. We both go to bed at the same time.

This has been my perspective for the 6 years of our marriage: that we both have the same number of "free" hours in the day. This perspective fueled my martyr attitude about housework, and how in these enlightened, gender-equality times, I shouldn't be expected to do any more housework than him. He's not pulling his weight around the house just because he's a man. So far, so good.

For his perspective, he adds in these additional facts for consideration: He has an almost two-hour commute (each way) to his job. I drive 15 minutes to mine. He works in the construction industry (plumbing) and so has a physically demanding job that wouldn't have been his first choice. I sit behind a computer at a job that I happen to love (web programming). When he leaves for work in the morning, I often go back to sleep, since I don't have to be to work for another three hours. So he sees that I have extra hours in my day that I'm sleeping away, and that he has fewer hours since he's commuting. He's physically tired at the end of the day, tired of driving, and not in an especially good mood. And he brings home more money than I do.

From his perspective, he's entitled to some rest and relaxation at the end of the day, while I have it easy all day long. Two weeks ago, I would have asked how I could convince him that he's wrong and sexist and that he should put in just as much time with housework as I do.

Now that I'm starting to see how I can manage the housework all by myself, I can step back and see things through his eyes. I'm realizing that:
1. I do have it a little easier than him.
2. It doesn't hurt me to do the housework.
3. He's already noticing and appreciating what I've accomplished so far (after just 2 weeks).
4. Doing this for our home really is blessing both of us.
5. He does many "traditionally male" tasks without being asked and without complaint or cries of sexism. (Mowing the lawn, car maintenance, hauling bags of salt to the water softener, etc.)
6. When I've cleaned an area, he respects it, is more likely to pick up after himself, and (thankfully) does what he can to not cause me more work.

I could whine and complain and nag until I was blue in the face, but it wouldn't change him or his mood (except to make it worse). It certainly wouldn't make him want to go grab the vacuum. I can, however, change myself and my attitude, and create a happier, more peaceful home for us to share. This has a good chance to improve his mood when he comes through the door into house he's comfortable in. And a husband in a good mood is always a good thing!