Thursday, August 25, 2005

Not just a draft for HeyTom.net

I saw a question on HeyTom.net that I had to respond to. I don't know if I'll be posted on the site or not, but here's the question and my response:

Hey, Tom...

I am wondering how to take may husband's comments of "I'm so proud of you!" When I hear that particular comment, I think of trying to please a hard to please father. How can I get my DH to say something more gently like "That's great!" or "You are amazing!" instead of me feeling like I've had to get his approval instead of doing things for myself?

Can you interpret his comment to help me understand this is a positive remark, and not a "now try harder."

Signed, Miss-Understood

From Tom:

One of the things that get the ladies in trouble while communicating with men is that you often look for the hidden meanings in what we say. We aren't that deep. He says he is proud of you because he is. Why would you think differently? He didn't say I am so proud of you but......

To me it sounds like the issue here is really yours. It is almost self abuse. I think you should accept the compliment as it was said.

Tom

From me:

This is in response to the woman who saw "I'm so proud of you" as a negative comment.

A husband being proud of you is 100% a positive thing! I love this particular comment from my husband. When my husband says he's proud of me, it means he sees what I'm doing or working on, and he likes it. Whether it's a task I've accomplished or a goal I'm working towards, he thinks it's worthwhile and valuable. He sees how far I've come and that it wasn't easy to do. It means that I'm doing something that he'd brag to his friends about. (And he does, too. I've been told by one of his friends that whenever "the guys" are standing around talking about "the girls," my husband always shares good things about me instead of complaints.) The comment means "That's great!" and "You are amazing!" and "I'm impressed!" all rolled up in one.

But I'm not FLYing to impress my husband. I'm not seeking or needing his approval. I'm not doing it because of anything he said or asked or implied. I'm FLYing to feel good about myself. I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished already in the just the 2 1/2 weeks since I started with FlyLady. If he never made a comment about the change in the household, I would still keep FLYing because I'm doing this for me. But if my husband sees it too, he has every reason to be just as proud of me as I am of myself.

This is a very positive comment, and a great compliment. Please allow yourself to take it as such. I hope you can be proud of yourself, too! And be glad you have a husband who notices what's going on, sees it as good, and lets you know how he feels about it. I know I am glad mine is that way. It sounds like there are other women on this site who aren't so fortunate.

Erin P.
FLYing for herself in MN

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